They Did It First!

Since Renee and Heather have thrown themselves out there with a personal blog post I'm going to join in. We don't shit rainbows around here either Heather! :) I actually wrote this post the other night but have just hesitated with posting it because it's extremely personal and hard for me to throw out there for the world to see. Here goes...

I'm so close to being at the end of my weight loss journey and yet, as some of you know, I've really been struggling. I've never been thin. Ever. I'm comfortably a size 8 right now and yet I've still got some serious body image issues. I still feel like the fat girl. At just under 150 pounds I shouldn't hate what I see in the mirror anymore! I should be able to see that I've come so far and be proud. Instead I see all the flaws and imperfections. When I was really overweight I would have killed to be a size 8! I always griped about those girls who were a size 8 and complaining about how they need to lose a few pounds. I'm now one of those girls. I went into a store today and had to buy a size small. A medium was actually too big. When the hell did that happen? I've never owned a size small in my life and I've bought 3 this week. So messed up.

I'm just really having a hard time being comfortable with my new body and mindset. I'm not the same person at all. I don't know who that girl was, but I can tell you I didn't like her much. I wish I could feel more confident and comfortable with myself, but it's a learning process. Right now I'm having a good time going out with friends, making new friends and trying to learn what it's like to be in my 20's. A few years ago I didn't want to go out. Ever. You couldn't have drug me into a bar or club for any reason. I'm enjoying running while my kids ride their bikes! For the first time in my life I can run farther than they can ride! Things that used to be fun just aren't fun anymore. I don't mind going out to dinner once in a while but it's not fun and exciting anymore. Not because I stress so much about the calories anymore, but because I feel awful after eating out for a few days. I hate sitting at home for any amount of time. I want to be out doing things instead of sitting in front of the tv.

It's a struggle right now for me to be essentially raising 2 children on my own while Matt travels. Trying to balance friends, family, kids, school, workouts, having no A/C, keeping the house clean and just day to day life. Throw in the fact that I've not been feeling well and have had no appetite so I don't have much energy, plus the lack of sleep, and then the kids each having their own weird problems with Matt being gone and it's a recipe for disaster. I'm tired, lonely and just feel like the energy has been sucked out of me.

Luckily for my children I'm perfectly capable of sucking it up and doing my job as their mother. We go to school, the park, the gym and I'm trying to keep their lives as normal as possible so they don't see I'm struggling with myself. We've probably been eating an unhealthy amount of cereal though. Mini-wheats have become their own food group around here. Strawberry is fruit, frosted and chocolate are dessert. Lots of fiber! The box says it's good for you!

I'm certainly not unhappy by any means. I'm just kind of stuck between being a 25 year old girl who looks and acts 25, and the woman who is married and has 2 kids with a world of responsibilities. Would I trade my life for something easier? Not a chance. Would I love to be able to find a great balance between both worlds? Absolutely! Am I kind of having a hard time right now? Sure. Will it get better? It has to. :)