My friend Renee posted this yesterday and I think it's worthy of being posted again and again so that everyone can read it! She's brilliant like that.
Drama Queens, Attention Whores and Soccer Moms: Is There Hope for 'Sisterhood?'Share
I originally wrote this several years ago when I was home with my first child (and actually had TIME to write). A series of events lately made me pull it up again today and I thought I would post it. Its long, and maybe kind of boring, but I'm interested in other's reactions. If nothing else, I could probably consider myself a 'published' author now, right?
I was at Panera Bread yesterday, taking a much needed break from my daughter, and immersing myself in a couple of writing projects. I enjoy working at Panera, mainly because they have free wireless Internet access, but also because I actually work very well with the hustle and bustle of conversation and socializing around me. Yesterday however, I became completely distracted by a conversation that was occurring one table over from me. Instead of the usual monotonous humming of people sharing in conversation that was taking place elsewhere throughout the restaurant, I was getting a complete earful of super hyperactive, emotional roller-coaster, DRAMA. The two women participating in this activity were twenty-somethings and in college (if I had to guess). They both had on sorority event t-shirts, sweat shorts with some sort of lettering across the butt, and were touting designer sunglasses and handbags. One of them was relaying a story about her boyfriend, her boyfriend’s ex, her boyfriend’s mother, and some other woman named Carla, that were involved. I won’t get into all of the details (as I could, mind you!), but suffice to say that the story that unfolded was made for soap opera-type material, and while entertaining in many respects, was also completely annoying. Probably because the word ‘like’ was sprinkled throughout about a gazillion times.
And there it was. My complete annoyance with the whole thing based solely on my disdain for what I perceived to be over-emotional sorority girls who talked like there were from the valley, and oozed ‘Drama Queens’ from every inch of their freakishly tan bodies. In my head I’m criticizing everything about them, from choice in clothing, to how they were choosing to occupy their time. I caught myself mid-scowl because I realized that once again I was finding myself annoyed and put-off by other women, rather than being drawn to them. As a self-proclaimed feminist, this observation has been bothering me more and more lately as I struggle with feeling the need for ‘sisterhood,’ and yet oftentimes cringing at the decisions and choices that other women are making.
It has brought be back to a theory that I remember from the Intro to Women’s Studies course I took my sophomore year in college. Jeremy Bentham, an English philosopher in the 18th century, developed the design of the panopticon prison with the theory that prisoners would be observed from a central location within the circular structure, without ever really knowing they were being observed. This theory of observation, or ‘invisible omniscience’ (Bosovic, 1995) has been utilized throughout philosophy and literature, most notably in George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty Four in the form of the ‘thought police’ or Big Brother. The concept behind this idea was of course to ‘catch’ prisoners or citizens doing something wrong because they did not know they were being observed, and therefore were behaving differently than they would under known observation.
Another element to the panopticon design, however, was that because of the circular nature, the prisoners would also be able to see each other. While they would be unaware of being watched by the authorities, they would be very aware of being watched by one another. In this sense, a sort of ‘policing’ among the prison population itself would occur. Feminist theorists have utilized this panopticon prison design as a metaphor for patriarchy, and the oppression of women. The ‘patriarchy’ is represented by the unknown observer within the central tower, and women are the prisoners. The posit behind this metaphor is that while women are many times unknowingly being observed and judged under a patriarchal ‘authority,’ they are strongly policed, on a somewhat more critical and harsher level, by their fellow prisoners: other women.
I remember when I first heard this metaphorical theory, and it instantly ‘clicked’ within. I still wasn’t wholly convinced at that point on some of the more radical tenets of feminist beliefs, but I couldn’t argue with the blatant fact that no one is harder on judging and criticizing women’s decisions and choices that they make as much as other women. I had participated (as elaborated above), and was a victim of it myself, throughout high school and college. Then it was based on decisions and choices made about appearance and sexuality, and was usually based on being in competition for male attention. How many of us have made a catty remark about what another woman is wearing, how she is acting, or what choices she has made (or is presumed to have made) in her sex life? And how many of us have been on the receiving end of the comments, or stares, and felt completely judged and alone? The popularity of shows such as ‘The Bachelor’ and ‘Flavor of Love’ have only strengthened the view that women in competition for male attention will kick, fight, scream, and claw their way to get there.
The nature of this sort of judgment among peers, coupled with the innate need to want to belong, inherently then keeps women ‘in check,’ and punishes those who fall outside of what we consider the norm. Not wanting to be mocked or ridiculed, many women worry considerably about what other women will think, feel or say in regard to the decisions and choices that they make. Instead of supporting each other, we are constantly putting each other up on the chopping block. We pit ourselves against each other for something that is oftentimes not really that worth it. As women, we face many of the same issues and struggles regularly, but it is almost impossible at times to be united in supporting one another because we are so busy criticizing. Even when women get close to one another, there seems to always be that element of talking behind each other’s backs, and privately making judgments unbeknownst to our so-called ‘friends’.
I see this more now in motherhood, then I ever had before in my adolescence and young adulthood. As catty and mean as young women can be, I honestly think that mothers take the cake in respect of just how cruel we can be. From issues like staying at home versus working outside the home, to formula feeding versus breastfeeding, the debate is heated and no one is more critical in these debates as we are of each other. And on one hand it is understandable; motherhood is something that each and every one of us is passionate about, and we earnestly feel like the choices we are making for our children are the best. And while this is true, we somehow feel the need to prove to others that we are making the best decisions, and in that sentiment we instinctively put other mothers out to dry in order for us to feel good about ourselves. Let’s face it, mothering is one of the most doubt-filled occupations one can have. What is better for self-doubt than deprecation of others, really? If I can convince myself, and others, that you are a bad mother for a plethora of reasons, then it only stands to reason that I in turn am a good mother because I have made different decisions.
After saying all of this, and earnestly believing it, then I struggle with why it is so hard to overcome the almost innate reaction of being critical and judgmental with other women. Especially because I have experienced really good relationships with other women, and they have been very powerful and healing throughout my life. I’ve thought about it, and I realize that both consciously and sub-consciously we are sent messages about women, starting as we are socialized as children, and up through media and culture in our modern day world. Many of these messages come from other women, but the majority of them (as I think about it), are ‘spun’ as negative. Instead of nurturing, we’re over-emotional. Instead of passionate, we’re dramatic. Instead of sensitive, we’re weak. It becomes obvious to me that we are in a cycle of being conditioned to criticize and judge each other, as well as then having negative experiences with each other because of that criticism and judgment. As much as I want to be supportive of, and form genuine friendships with other women, I have a lifetime of preconceived notions and bad experiences that reactively hinder me from forming positive thoughts and perspectives on women.
It is in this self-assessment, that I am hoping to eventually overcome my instantaneous assessment of other women in negative and harshly critical ways. This doesn’t mean that I have to like every woman that I come into contact with; we are human beings first and foremost, and we aren’t going to like everybody. But, I think it is imperative that instead of distancing ourselves from each other by nit-picking the qualities in other women that we have ‘issues’ with, we need to look for strengths in other women that we can admire and support more. Because sisterhood IS powerful, and the adage that we are ‘all in this together’ is so true. I may feel pretty high and mighty now because I came out of young adulthood alive, but it wasn’t that long ago that I was sitting across from a friend in a restaurant spouting off about some sort of drama in my life. I can only guess how fellow patrons viewed, criticized and judged me. Maybe I need to check my own judgment at the door, and empathize and support two young women trying to survive those years as well.
Oh and we finally have air conditioning again! YAY!!! It was 85 and miserable without it today so I'm glad we got it replaced and running for tonight!
