Random Weight Loss Stuff

I ran into a friend the other day at the gym and we had a nice conversation that made me think about where I am in my weight loss journey. I still have about 15 pounds I would really like to lose eventually but it's been really slow the last few months and I know these last few pounds aren't going to come off overnight. If there was an easy way to do it, I'm pretty sure Oprah would have found it by now. I eat less than I burn so eventually it will all even out I suppose. The conversation was about maintaining though and I am the first to admit that I don't think it will ever be easy to maintain such a huge weight loss. Especially since I had to stop running. When I was running I could pretty much eat anything I wanted and not gain a pound. There's something about my metabolism while running that makes it so easy, but I just can't do it anymore because of my back. Since I had to stop running my weight loss has been about 3 pounds per month. I mentioned that every day I wake up and when I put on size medium pants I sometimes hesitate and wonder if I'm going to need to pull out a size XXL instead. I know most girls have days where they feel fat but for me when I feel that way I question if maybe I've somehow managed to gain back over 100 lbs during the night. I know it's not logical and it doesn't make any sense but I still somewhat fear waking up and seeing the old me. I'm still not comfortable in my body but I'm not sure I ever will be. I wish my thighs were more toned, I wish I could afford a tummy tuck, I wish my arms didn't have that flabby thing that I know most women have and hate. There was a time not too long ago that I would have killed to be in a single digit size and now I go into Maurices and buy a size 7/8 jeans without hesitation and still feel fat when I put them on. I'm only 5 lbs over what is considered a healthy weight for my height so I know I'm not really "fat" but when I see other girls my age that haven't had 2 kids and look toned and perfect it's hard to keep in perspective that my body is healthy and strong. I'll never gain the weight back because I know how unhappy I was then and I actually enjoy having 2 hours at the gym where I can think and focus on myself. I can't eat what I used to eat without feeling sick. After 1 or 2 days of making bad food choices I feel awful and I'm ready to get back on track. That's how I know I'll never go back to that point. Because it feels awful and miserable. Maintaining still isn't easy though. It's a choice I have to make every day. I don't consider what I'm doing at this point to be be weight loss. I can't eat any less than I do right now and I can't work out any more. I'm maintaining my lifestyle and hoping I lose my last bit of weight in the process. As my friend said, it's still very fresh. It's almost like a fresh wound. I am still terrified that if I mess up for a day or two I'll spiral out of control and won't find my way back. I know that won't really happen because this is now my life, but it's still a fresh wound that I can't quite seem to heal. It was nice to be able to say it out loud to someone who understands where I'm coming from. It's also nice to know that I'm not the only one who has lost a huge amount of weight and yet still has complaints about their body. It was just nice to know that I'm not crazy. At least no more so that I already was.